A Walk On The Wild Side

Summary
A humorous short story about a holiday misunderstanding

"I can’t believe it!" said Susan, slumping on a boulder. It didn’t look comfortable enough to slump on but she did so all the same.

"It is a bit difficult to take in."

"But I was sure it said ‘Naturalist Ramble’."

"That’s what I thought, too," said Tim. "Animals, plants, flora and fauna."

"What are we going to do?"

Tim shifted his weight from foot to foot. "I suppose we could just ramble anyway."

"We can’t! Look at that sign."

Tim looked at the sign. "That does make it difficult. I suppose we could stay in the coach."

"But they’re going to be gone all afternoon. They will be looking at plants and birds and wildlife, while we will be roasting in a coach." Susan seemed to be getting quite het up about this. It was difficult to be sure – he hadn’t known her that long, or that well.

"I didn’t know you liked wildlife so much."

"I don’t like the thought of being stuck in stationary coach all afternoon in the baking sun when I’m supposed to be on holiday. There’s a beach and rock pools and things as well."

"Look at it this way – you’d be adding to your tan."

"I am not" she paused for emphasis, "interested in getting a tan like that."

"Perhaps they wouldn’t mind if we just tagged along."

"I think perhaps that they bloody would. Seeing as they have – now – made it clear that is a Naturist ramble. Read the sign."

Tim read the sign. It said: "No clothing or textile beyond this point. Please store clothes in the lockers provided. Take key. Photographs allowed but people have to give permission." It also said, as far as Tim could make out, the same thing in French and German. The thought of naked Germans made Tim shudder.

"We could still look at the wildlife." Tim offered.

"We’d be part of the bloody wildlife," Susan offered back.

He walked over to her, raising his palms in a gesture of magnanimity. "Everybody else is getting undressed. Look. We won’t we be the only ones." Tim looked at the sign again. He wondered what Spanish or Russian holiday-makers from the hotel would do. "No-one will see anything they can’t see somewhere else."

"No-one has seen this!" Susan hissed. She looked down at her t-shirt-and-shorts-covered body like it was a piece of furniture that had been delivered by mistake.

"What, no-one?" said Tim.

"No-one out in public in broad daylight."

"But it’s not a complete mystery to the entire rest of the human race?"

"Don’t be personal! Or prurient."

"I wasn’t. I was just making the point that there isn’t a principle involved here. It’s just these particular circumstances. And, in these circumstances, you will be surrounded by other naked people. So – far from standing out, you will actually blend in. Unless there’s something odd about you."

"There is nothing odd about me," she retorted, getting up off the boulder. Then, for good measure she kicked it. At least she was wearing fairly substantial shoes, for the anticipated walk.

"Well then," Tim said.

"Well what? Do you want to strip off."

Tim fidgeted. "Not exactly. But I had been looking forward to a good walk. Plenty of fresh air and a trip down to the beach. They say the sand is white there. Something to do with silicates. Very picturesque."

"What’s your point?"

"Well… it’s still on offer… If only we can swallow our pride and stop being so self-conscious."

"I’m not self-conscious – it’s other people I’m conscious of!"

"That’s what I’m saying. No-one else will be taking a blind bit of notice of you. But if we stay here we will be a laughing stock!"

It was slumping-on-boulder time again for Susan. "Oh, help…" she whimpered.

"What are you – we – going to do?"

There was a pause. This unpopulated side of the island spread out before them in a tapestry of natural beauty, flowers and tropical shrubs giving off a heady scent, the shimmering sea in the distance trapped between it and the sky, while the sun warmed everything with friendly, gentle blows.

"Alright," Susan said. A bit grumpily, but with determination.

"We’re going on the walk?"

"Unless you don’t strip off too."

"Yes, um, I realise that." Tim bit his lip. "It’s probably just like being in your swimming cozzy at the pool. You feel a bit exposed at first but then you start to have fun and don’t think about it."

"How can you not think about having no clothes?"

"I don’t know. Does this mean you’ve changed your mind again?"

"No!" She stood up smartly and started towards the lockers near the sign. "I’m going to get undressed. And you are too. And we’re going for a naturist ramble."

"Alright." Tim swallowed. It didn’t really feel alright. But he couldn’t see another way out of their dilemma.

Susan tugged off her t-shirt with a minimum of grace and put it in a locker. She turned to watch Tim to make sure he kept up with her by removing his shirt. He did so, and pushed it regretfully into a neighbouring locker, as if he might never see it again. Then she reached behind her back to reach her bra clasp, staring vehemently at the sky.

"Oh… " she grimaced, looking skyward. "I can’t stand doing this."

"What, looking for God in the heavens?"

"Getting naked in front of strangers. I mean, I hardly know you – we only met a couple of days ago."

"It’s the same for me, you know. Anyway, I was just thinking God won’t mind. We are made in His image, after all."

"That’s man who’s made in His image." She remained frozen in the pose of removing her top. "What about woman?"

"I suppose He’s a bit like woman too, then."

"You mean God’s some sort of hermaphrodite?"

"I… I… " he stammered. His hands were resting on the belt buckle of his pants. "I know too little about spiritual issues to judge."

There was a pause. At length, she sobbed, "I can’t do this!"

"Do you want me to stand behind you?"

"What happens when I take my knickers off? You’ll see my bum!"

"Well, how about I stand along side you? And I don’t look down?"

"Just don’t look at me at all. Keep your head turned away from me all the time and watch the scenery."

"People will think we are a married couple…"

Tim moved so that he was shoulder to shoulder with her, staring into the middle distance. He felt like they were soldiers on parade. Trooping the colour. There was motion beside him, and he saw the bra go into the locker. Gritting his teeth – which didn’t really help but was all he could think of – he stepped out of his pants and shoved them in his chosen locker. Then, in an act of solidarity and encouragement, without waiting, he lowered his Calvin Kleins, stepped out of them and chucked them on to his pants.

He had never felt so awkward in all his life.

Then Susan was doing something, and he just caught sight of her shorts, topped by something skimpy, going into the locker. The two of them stood to attention, about three inches apart, glaring away from each other.

"You naked?" he said, out of the corner of his mouth.

"Yes. You?"

"Yes."

"Except for my boots."

"Me too. I feel… a right… "

"Please don’t finish that sentence."

"Probably best if I don’t. I say, I feel a bit of a draft."

"Likewise. Aren’t you going to need some extra sun-block?"

Tim hesitated. "I don’t think I dare put it on."

"Why?"

"It might… amplify the problem."

"You could get a sunburn."

"So could you."

"I think I’d rather risk it."

"Me too."

There was a difficult moment as they both reached for their respective locker keys. "Watch it! Don’t get too close. OK, let’s go."

"I’ve another problem."

"What?"

"I haven’t got a pocket to put the key in."

"Give it me."

Facing the opposite way, he reached backwards to hand her his key, as if discarding a used handkerchief. "What are you going to do with it?"

"I’ve got my beach bag. Surely we’re allowed to carry a bag. I’ll keep it in there."

Quite unintentionally, he glanced round to see what the bag was like – he’d not taken any notice of it before. She was dropped on to her haunches over the bag, a brightly coloured fabric thing, stark naked except for her boots in the beaming sun, and looking oddly beautiful. The way nature intended?

"Don’t look!" she snapped, curling up still more tightly over the bag.

"Sorry! Only saw a knee." He spun his head away, and studied the horizon some more. There was an odd sound from Susan. It was a moment before he realised what it was. She was chuckling.

"That’s not as much as I saw!"

And then they both started to laugh.

They didn’t see that much wildlife, in truth. Some seabirds, over the beach. They remarked upon a small group of young French women with a deep natural tan all over as if they had never worn clothes in their lives, never done anything but wander around, tribe-like, naked on sun-baked islands. One of the women approached them and, almost solicitously, as if taking them under her wing, told them in accented but faultless English about some of the plant-life on the island, and explained how to recognise prickly pear.

"How prickly?" said Tim, somewhat concerned.

"Not very," the French woman laughed, her breasts bobbing up and down. "Leetle scratch, at most." Tim noticed she wasn’t either the tiniest bit shy, nor did she stare at his body in its pale, full frontal nudity. Nothing she’d not seen before.

By the time Tim and Susan reached the beach, they’d stopped bothering trying to ignore each other. She was lean and well-toned. He was more fit than she would have guessed, and thought an all-over tan would suit him. They explored one end of the beach, where there were some rocks. They swum in azure sea for a while, spotting seemingly tame fish drifting just beyond reach in the clear water. Then they rested on the beach that arced around the blue-green bay like a silver braid. Susan produced something like a Tupperware box in which she had some small cobs with cheese, and a dish of fruit salad, which she shared with him. He had set off on the trip with a couple of sandwiches, but he’d left them in the pocket of his pants. By now they were just looking at each other and could see each other’s bodies in their entirety and there seemed nothing odd about it at all. Three days before, they’d never even met.

"You know," Tim said, finishing off a mouthful of food, "I’ve just realised it’s ages since I last thought – hey, I’m naked."

"Makes sense," she nodded. "I mean, you don’t go around when you’re dressed thinking, Oh, I’ve got these clothes on."

"That’s true," he laughed.

"And it’s great coming out of the water and not having a wet bathing costume sticking to you."

"And nothing wrong with the human body."

"Nothing," she smiled, and looked out to sea. "In fact, the only thing I’m embarrassed about is that I was ever scared of showing it in the first place. Or seeing one, to be honest."

"We’ve all got one."

"We all have, indeed. And should be proud of what nature has given us."

"Back to nature," he mused. "You know, I think I could live like this all the time."

Later, as they were sauntering back along the path that led to the lockers and where the bus was awaiting them, a thought struck Tim.

"Erm. Would you be interested in going out somewhere to dinner tonight?"

She frowned, as if something was troubling her. "That might be wonderful.."

"Is there something wrong?"

She stopped and turned to face him. "No, no – nothing really." She shrugged, grinning. "It’s just that… "

"What?"

"I don’t know what to do. I haven’t got a thing to wear."

She turned and walked off, giggling.

He admired her bum for a moment, then followed.

THE END